I'm Possessed

I think I have become possessed by this class.....actually I think this class has possessed me. I've been trying to formulate this post for the longest time, but in class today I finally just decided what the heck, I'll write it anyway, even if its fairly jumbled. Dr. Sexson did say this blog was supposed to be like a journal, so here is me journaling.

What I mean when I said I have become possessed by this class is that the discussions we have and the points that are brought up keep reoccurring in my daily life. Coincidences, so to speak, keep happening. And it's quite honestly freaking me out! Yet at the same time, very "awesome." Here is a list of the coincidences I've had.

1. After class one day, I talked to Dr. Sexson and he asked if the light bulbs were beginning to go off in my head, and I said that I think they're getting there, they are more flickering right now though. Immediately afterward I went to the bathroom, and as you all know, the light in Quad F's bathroom flickers before it comes on. Coincidence........?

2. An entire class period was dedicated to the "Art of Attention" and how we are always getting distracted. In another class of mine (Construction Practice, sounds exciting I know), the professor talked about how we need to "listen" instead of just "hear." Coincidence.........?

3. This is more just hilarious to me: we talked about Schrodinger's cat, and literally my favorite television show has a scene about Schrodinger's cat that explains it perfectly: (bear with it, the point is made at the end)

4. Superposition. We looked at this topic from a literally standpoint. Well, I'm an engineer, but it just so happens that this past Monday, we were talking about loading on beams and support conditions, and in engineering superposition can be used as a tool to solve really complex problems by simplifying the problem: breaking the problem into different parts, solving these parts, then adding them back together. Coincidence.....?

5. Yesterday, I was having a discussion with someone very "special" to me about "everyone being special." And he also believes no one is "special," and that pulled at me. Then today in class we have the exact same discussion. I liked the way Brooke put it, because it seems awful to say we aren't special, that we're just this tiny little piece of a massive puzzle, but that doesn't have to be frightening. It can be humbling and invigorating. Anyway......coincidence.........?

So all of this has been going on around me, and the best part of it I think is that I've paid ATTENTION to it. I have begun to notice the parallels between all my classes, and with my life in general. The past few class periods, I have really paid ATTENTION. Meanwhile, I have been having this inner battle with myself about several different things. What is important in my life? Who is important? Is what I'm studying really what I am going to do for the rest of my life? How am I supposed to know? When Dr. Sexson said today that life is just smoke and mirrors, I knew exactly what he meant. I feel like I'm in a giant room with walls of mirrors, reflecting myself back at me, as if saying, "well don't look at us, we don't have any answers for you." And every other minute a giant puff of smoke fills the room and makes me blind to everything, including myself.

Remember how at the beginning of the class I said I've never been able to remember a dream I've had? Well that was true, until now. I had a dream the other night, and it is a dream I know I've had before, but I remembered it into the next day, and wrote it down! It wasn't as clear, but I remembered to main parts. It went something like this: I am back all of a sudden playing soccer for my old high school coach and I am about to take a corner kick, or maybe a goal kick, I can't remember. Anyway, I take the three or four steps back, pause, and am about to run forward and strike the ball when all of a sudden I fall down on my back and cannot move. It is like my whole body is paralyzed, I can still move my eyes and think, but nothing of my body moves. I can feel the eyes staring at me, and I am embarrassed, confused, hurt; so many emotions run through me........I remember having this happen to me in dreams before, maybe that's why I remembered it this time. But why do I keep having this dream that results in me lying helpless? I've been trying to connect this dream to my life, and cannot figure it out. Is it because this is my deepest fear: to be helpless and unable to move, to be a bystander of my own life? I have no idea. Yet, maybe there is more to this dream, another room in my mind that I have just barely opened the door to. Or perhaps there are no answers, because to find an answer would be to kill the idea. If that is the case, I'm happy I have no answers.